I've brushed upon narcissistic parents in previous blogs now let's dive a bit deeper.
What is an abusive narcissist? Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their behavior. The shift the blame onto others. They are capable of self reflecting and feeling guilty but often they won’t admit to it. They live in denial of their behavior which subconsciously causes pain within them. This often leads to them taking the pain out on others because they don’t know how to feel and process their own emotions.
Narcissists often attach to people because they need them to feel better about themselves. Many narcissists have pain of abandonment from a parent during childhood so they, themselves, fear being abandoned. They depend on the approval of others. This is why putting on a mask of being cool, smart, chill, wealthy, etcetera is a large part of who they are. They need others to admire them because they can’t fill the hole themselves. Their superficial exterior behavior and appearance is very important to their well-being. Sadly, this need of approval actually leaves them feeling more empty. There are exceptions to the above but here I'm covering what typical narcissistic abuse is**.
Abuse can fall into many categories like physical, emotional, mental, verbal, financial, spiritual, or sexual. It can be DIRECT like anger, aggression, sabotage, and exploitation or INDIRECT like manipulation, passive aggression, cheating, or sarcasm. It may range from ignoring you to directly violating you.
Verbal abuse includes behavior like blaming, belittling, backhanded complimenting, bullying, shaming, controlling, threatening, criticizing, raging, yelling, arguing, undermining, gossiping, interrupting, name-calling or assassinating someone’s character.
There are other forms of abuse like violence, crossing boundaries, invading one’s privacy, exploitation, or objectification. There forms of emotional abuse like lying and deception. Other forms include withholding money/sex/communication, or purposely neglecting the emotional or physical needs of someone. Physical abuse can be violent like throwing things, destroying property, or hitting your body.
Manipulation is a form of abuse that most narcissists have down to a science. The manipulator behaves in a way that will and works to influence someone so that the manipulator gets what they want. On the surface, it may seem harmless but the intent is not pure. Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation that can include anger, threats, or bullying. It can put you in a place of doubt, fear, obligation or guilt. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that disrupts your perception. The gaslighter twists and turn things around in such a way that you believe that you are incompetent of doing something or that your won’t do it because you like a high self-esteem, confidence, or courage. They instigate you to take action by lighting your fire by telling you that there is no way that you will do it.
Competing with someone in an unhealthy way can also be considered narcissistic abuse. For example, when someone is always one-upping you, when someone is putting you down to prove that they are better, or when someone is flirting with someone close to you to make you upset.
Here is my blog on how to heal from abuse: "Healing & Recovery".
Love & Light,
Cara Deptula - Intuitive Energy Healer & Detox Coach
** Different from typical abusive narcissists, malignant narcissists and sociopaths feel no guilt. They enjoy being malicious. They take pleasure in inflicting pain onto others. They are often anti-social, paranoid, and they need to win at all costs. They do not care about anyone or anything but themselves. They often coldly calculate their plan of attack. This is an entirely different topic than abusive narcissists -- one in which I feel has dark forces involved.
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