So let’s dive further into narcissistic abuse in regards to parenting. We all have parents or are parents so this affects more people than many of us realizes. The more knowledge we have of this, the more likely we will break the cycle of abuse.
Spouses of narcissistic parents are either abusive or passive and don’t protect their children from maternal abuse. Both actually contribute to pain and the patterns of narcissism getting worse. Often the parent will deny the abuse and also lie to hide it.
What is narcissistic abuse in parenting?
the parent repeats shaming and controlling the child
the parent repeatedly shuts down the child when they express themselves
the parent undermines the developing identity of the child
Abuse and shame makes a child feel a sense of helplessness, fear, humiliation, injustice, and powerlessness.
How does it affect the child?
it creates insecurity and low self-esteem
the child cannot trust their own feelings and impulses
the child concludes that it’s their fault that the parent is displeased with them
the child is unaware that the parent will never be satisfied
the child may feel they have no right to exist
the child feels they are a burden to their parent
the child feels they should never have been born
the child doesn’t learn to protect and stand up for themselves
the child may feel defenseless
Abused children learn to be self-sufficient, are often guarded and tend to devalue their dependency and emotional needs.
How does it affect that child as an adult?
they may not manage anger well
they can become aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive
they may create with authority figures
they often turn anger onto themselves with self sabotage
they may suffer from shame and anxiety
they may fear that they will be criticized or blamed
Often the child does not recognize mistreatment until later in life. Often they see it when they find themselves in an abusive relationship or see patterns that reflect abuse from childhood. These patterns and difficult relationships may encourage them to dive deeper into the source; the pattern is often traced back to childhood.
Control and Perfectionism
Narcissistic people are myopic and self-involved. They can only see the world that revolves around them and their “perfectionist” tendencies. So as mentioned above, nothing their child does is good enough.
They live vicariously through their child who they see as an extension of themselves. They want them to behave just as they do. They choose their relationships, friendships, hobbies, career, schooling, etc. This negative attention is accompanied by envy, jealousy, expectations of gratitude, and expectations of compliance. The parent is broken and there is a twisted form of competition with their own child. The mother/father either believes they are better than the best or fears that they will never be that. Competing with their own child leads the parent into feeling the need to control every move their child makes because they fear their own insecurities. For example, mothers often compete with their daughter for their husband and son’s love. They may do everything from flirting with boyfriends to reading their diary, just to have the edge or upper hand.
Here are some controlled behaviors:
They are obsessed with “perfectionism”, so they become overly involved in their child’s life. They act like it stems from love, but it does not
They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices
They are personally insulted when the child doesn’t let the parent control them
They are authoritarian and rigid about how things should be done
Their opinions are “the way” and they don’t let their child’s ideas have value
They believe the child deserves punishment when they don’t do what they are told and how they are told to do it.
They want their child to look and be their “best”, yet they cripple them through criticism and control.
They forbid or criticize whatever their child likes or wants (saying it is because they care about them) and that it is for their own benefit. They undermine their ability to think for themselves, to know what they want, to choose for themselves, and to pursue things that aren’t ideal for the parent.
There are many side effects to this, but whether the child is male or female, their masculine energy tends to be overly driven.
may be driven to achieve, in an attempt to gain validation and approval
when success is achieved, it feels hollow and never enough.
Their feminine energy may lead to addictions and self sabotage because the emotions that lie beneath are too painful to feel. When they don’t achieve what they feel they need to achieve, they hate themselves, so to cover the self hate they sabotage themselves through alcohol, food, drugs, etc. Because they grew up in a household with no healthy coping mechanisms, they have not learned how to deal with their deep-seated emotions.
As an adult, daughters often find themselves in controlling relationships or get into unnecessary power struggles. The constant criticism throughout childhood leads them to constantly doubting themselves.
Realization :
These patterns get repeated in adult abusive relationships because the universe is trying to get their attention. This is brought into their world so that they can HEAL and move PAST the scars and the pain. Source will do things in certain areas of our lives to get our attention, so that we finally SEE, LEARN, and GROW. If we look at the pain of current situations as a chance to heal what has hurt us, and we look at it as an opportunity shift, we will see that all of the pain we have endured in our lives is for our soul’s benefit. These challenges are truly opportunities that shift our human selves into being an enlightened being that leans more towards soulful authenticity versus humanness. This pain literally leads us to enlightenment; it is just our opportunity to see it.
Next article: How Abuse Affects Children & Adults - part 4
Love & Light,
Cara Deptula - Intuitive Energy Healer & Detox Coach
https://awakenyourbliss.wixsite.com/love
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